The End

Dear Readers,

This marks the end of blackadblack. I'm ending this blog here as i don't feel like i can go on anymore. I just need a fresh start due to some personal struggles and i really feel that all the help and criticism has been very constructive throughout the years. I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you for reading and being there for me!!

I will be back though. For updates on my new blog, i will notify you through your e-mail addresses. So, kindly post your emails at the comment section and i will get back to you asap.

Cheers,
Adrian=)

From Sleeping Beauty to Cinderella

When i got home from work today, after having a shower, i fell asleep like Sleeping Beauty under the spell of the wicked witch. I don't know what happened, but i felt so tired. Is it the weather or the fact that i have a lot on my mind exhausting every part of me. About 9 something in the PM, i woke up thinking that it is already time to go to work. Then, i realized the time on my mobile and the many miss-calls and messages.


As i got out of bed to have a ciggy, trying to wake myself up, i decided to play Cinderella and do a little light dusting. I just completed my task by tossing my dirty laundry into the wash. I need a shower and take dinner as i'm both sweaty and hungry.


The weather's been bad lately. The sun hasn't really been out, but the air is really hot. I can't stand it!!! Aside from that, work has been ok. Today, as i was sipping my cup of hot coffee, i just thought of upping and leaving to go home. I felt lethargic and somehow unwell. I don't know what is exactly wrong. Perhaps it's high time i cash in on my leave to take some time off to think and just let go of all the little details that are bothering me.

Melinda & Alex

I had lunch today with my Korean kids and it was nice to be able to entertain them since they don't go out much due to the very strict yet nonsensical ways their guardian is treating them. Imagine being 14 and 16 and all you do is study, despite the fact that you have read a chapter for a dozen of times. Being away from their parents didn't guranttee them total freedom. Instead, they are suffocated by such a mundane and tedious lifestyle. They aren't treated as how they should and it's a pitty because these kids are good. If only they were allowed to express themselves and come out of their shells, they'd be capable of a lot of things. To make matters worst, they have a "big-sister" who is somewhat similar to Cinderella's wicked sisters, pretending to be nice in the eyes of the public. We are really in the 21st century, aren't we?


Life is just like this sometimes. If only things could be a tad close to the fairy tales we've read...

FYI

FYI~ I am not that Great.

I admit this!
I don't even see myself as being close to greatness.
All i know is that i do my best in everything i am doing
and
i know the person i am.



I am of course imperfect with flaws
and
baggage,
though i try to reach for perfection.
There's no harm in trying, is there?
I mean if i can't reach for the moon, at least i know I'll settle amongst the stars.



I'm not that kind of person to look into the mirror everyday and say,
"Hi handsome! What's up with you?"
That is just so not me.
I'm not vain, so i don't think this song is about me.



Even so, I believe that we need to make an impression
and
what better way to start with the way we carry ourselves in our dressing.
Yes, i don't always look good nor say the sweetest words or do the sweetest things,
but i know what i am capable and incapable off.
I know my weaknesses and strength.



I may come across as an elitist
snob,
arrogant,
individualistic,
egoistical,
and
proud,
but, that is only because you don't really know the real me.



The fact that i am reserved makes me come off as an anti-social.
I am a skeptic,
therefore,
i don't trust people easily.
As a result,
i end up being labeled as the quiet and shy one.



If and if per se, you know me, you'd know that i am very much talkative
and
opinionated.
I don't think i am stupid,
but i don't think i am a genius either.
There's still so much out there for me to learn.



I don't blow my own horn because i don't think i am the greatest person alive
and
i think Oprah feels the same way too.



I am just trying to pave my way on the Earth that i was given this golden opportunity of living in and
i hope to discover more the meaning of life and its essences which include
happines,
love,
etc etc etc.



When i can help i'd lend a helping hand
and
Lord knows that i love and care more than i am supposed to.
If you can't see that, then, that's just too bad!



When something can't be appreciated, that something will most probably fade away into thin air
and
there isn't a point in crying over spilled milk now,
is there?

Let It Go

All the madness, like the tempest, will eventually cease and depart to welcome the calm. I think this post marks the end of all the havoc and disaster i have been going through lately. There's no more self abusing, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more of anything negative and destructive. Diana King once sung the lines of "Sisters" in her Think Like A Girl album that "...you've gotta love yourself if you want someone to love you..." Indeed, i see eye to eye with the songbird.


It's funny how we are able to jump at the many opportunities to offer words of wisdom to the people we love and care about, but we can never take those words we preach so believably and implement them in our lives. It is not the fact that we are stupid, but rather, we fear that we might not be able to cope, for we might not have anyone to catch us when we fall or that there wouldn't be a hand there to hold on to as we walk through the so-called "fires of hell".


Regardless of the situations, we have to have faith in ourselves and believe that things will go our way. This is to say that we have to grab fate and destiny by the balls and just do it. In times like this, all we have is ourselves, but it would be great to be supported by loyal friends and close families. At the end of the day, the choices to our happiness is probably very much in our own hands. If you make a good choice, all the better life will be, but if we make a bad choice, we'll be fucked. However, we'll learn something from it hopefully and mend whatever that needs mending.


There's nothing for me to worry anymore. I am going to breathe and let it go. I am in control of my life!!!

@#*%

A: Hey! I wanna ask you something. If someone can't give you the time of day, is it worth it?

C: Hey! For me it's not worth it.

A: But you love the person. What do you reckon i do?

C: If the person can't give you simple things like time of the day, then can he give you complicated things like love?

A: You have a point.

C: I can't tell you what to do...it is for you to decide.

A: I don't know. See i met this person who is a student and we don't see each other often and i don't know what to do about it. It's like i need attention and something stable but...

C: Yes everyone needs attention. Is the person mature enough?

A: It's not maturity that I'm questioning about, but rather, the fact that we don't spend time together.

C: I don't know, but for me if i were to be involved in a relationship i want my partner to have time for me cause time shows commitment.

This mind boggling bit is doing my head in. I am torn. I don't really what to do actually. C made some good points and so did others saying things like "you deserve better", etc etc etc. But then again baby told me, " if you never try, you'll never know." So, what should i do folks? I need some feedback because this is rather new to me or shall i say old. I don't like being in this position of neglect and this time, this one is not done deliberately.

16.05.09

Guess what folks?


I finally hit the club last night and i'm glad to have let my hair down a bit and paint the town in a little brighter shade of red. (You were right Bissme!) On top of that, I had a good time. (Thanks Amirza and the gang!) I was a tad nervous because i wasn't sure if i still have the clubbing freak in me. Truth is...i still have it!!! =)


The club wasn't that crowded though and i was able to get my freak on. I had a bottle of beer and cigarettes to keep me satisfied as i allow myself to sink into the clubbing mood. Then, in that moment where loud seductive (and selective) music and spotlights collided with whatever twisted emotions i have been suppressing deep down inside for quite some time now, i managed to let them go as i got to the dance floor to dance. As i was spinning around in that world of euphoria, i felt as if it was lost (in a good way). Somehow, i was able to feel alive again. Apparently, as i was gazing at the faces of those present amongst me, i saw the same thing i was feeling. It was a sense of relief that in that wee hours of a Sunday morning, we were able to let loose reality and escape for a while because the shit hits the ceiling again come Monday.


I know i am not the only one out there feeling all these torment if i may call it. Then, i met up with D and had a good chat. We had a great vegetarian lunch at bangsar and head to Coffee Bean to sit and chat some more. As we were chatting away about our lives, i realized that we have come so far from those undergraduate days. It felt rather surreal, that a year ago, we completed our studies and look at where we are at now. We really have responsibilities, adult problems, and so on. I guess time waits for no man, ay D? I need a change to come and i think you do too. Let's see where it will bring us. Cheers!

Us & We

After all the misunderstandings (read the older posts), R and i rekindled when we went to KLCC and spent the afternoon watching a film, SELL OUT, which i didn't really like compared to Yasmin Ahmed's TALENTIME. Nonetheless, R and I had a good day =) We had dinner there too. Believe it or not we ordered Vegetarian Pizzas, because R is a vegetarian. We talked about things, the past, present, and future and i discovered that we are on the same page.


I guess the more time we spend together the lesser we fight. It's because we gave each other the time of day. We discussed things and i am relief that for once, after such a long time, i understood where R is coming from. Despite the age gap, i know how R feels about me and i can see it clearly. It was reassuring to be able to look into R's eyes and see the truth. They say seeing is believing and i do believe that R is not a phony with tricks and games. I do not feel that insecure anymore. All the torments and confusion came and went.


R, I just want to thank you for making me realize things as i don't pick up hints and signs. I just want things to be better, if not great for us. I hope i am not asking for too much. You and I are not two separate individuals, but one, the "us" and "we". Remember that and I want you to know that I love you.